‘I want an internship so baaaad
Why-o-whhhyyy can’t I get one
Mayhaps it’s just meeeeee
Or those foolish companies.’
That’s what I would be singing if I could sing. And if I could actually write songs. With my terrible subpar songwriting and flat voice, together with my surprising ability to reach high notes, I suspect id be a shoo in to win The Voice. Yeah, I’ll sing those words in a bluesy Billie Holiday style and move the judges to tears…
Internships are surprisingly hard to get… This is not something I envisioned. Not for me; no sir. Particularly since I have a doctorate, a few years of work experience in an irrelevant field and just got a great average for my first semester despite working full time. On paper, I’d be a shoo in.. Right?
Wrong. Because of all the places I’ve applied to, I have made it to exactly one interview. One. And then a Gandalf like figure stood on a collapsing bridge and yelled ‘you shall not pass!’ whilst I breathed fire out of my nostrils…
I know precisely why I didn’t make it through to the next round for that internship. Because I am a shit salesman.. Also I kind of flubbed the technical part of the interview, but really, that shouldn’t count for much, right?
I know I suck at selling myself; I’ve been told that exactly twice-once by my old PhD supervisor who helpfully suggested I take some classes for that and once by some media training guru I went out on a date with who earnestly told me how terrible I was at selling myself. (MM, where you at?) This was however a man who faked having a tropical illness to get out of seeing me again so maybe he’s not that much of a media guru..
But I digress, I am terrible at selling myself and that is a major hindrance at the moment, not just in attempting to get an internship but also in the dating arena, which PS, this isn’t a segue into how my dating life is barren at the moment.
Look, when one is answering those questions on an application about ‘why one has an interest in finance’; one doesn’t cheerfully write that one has zero interest in finance but is so capable of research and learning and gritting ones teeth in trying to persevere through something which one has no passion in whatsoever. That’s a sure fire way to get through, right? Being honest?
Also, one does not proceed to belittle ones achievements and denigrate ones previous profession in an interview, whilst also managing to cheerfully make out that the profession one is trying to get into is meaningless and superficial and is only great because of the monetary rewards. Again, honesty being the best policy, right? Sure fire way to stand out and get hired, no?
And perhaps my problem isn’t so much that I suck at selling myself, but that I have no filter and that I am rash and impulsive and thoroughly too honest for my own good. It’s not that I don’t know how to be dishonest.. Please, the amount of times I have had to pretend enjoyment at being penetrated by an old man’s shrivelled penis or by men with rather small cocks… The number of times I have had to fake shiver with enjoyment. The number of times I have had to resort to fake moaning whilst I wonder what I am missing on the TV at the moment a man is pounding away at me… I can be dishonest… But I can’t seem to be dishonest at the most crucial moments in an interview. It’s like, I just say the first things which come to mind…
So really, I shouldn’t be that surprised at my lack of success.. Not only am I not good enough, technically, I am also terrible at telling people what they want to hear, versus what I actually think. And whilst it is true that the financial world is really superficial, it’s really all about image and manipulation of numbers, that’s not what the people interviewing me want to hear.
Really if the numbers I’ve estimated are accurate, then I need to be in the top 5% of candidates right from the start. I am not and there’s nothing I can do about that.
I’ve botched most of the opportunities for an internship already this year, which makes the reality of me not getting one all the more likely. Given that I just expected that I would get an internship, I don’t really have a plan B… Given that I didn’t get an internship, what chances do I have at getting into a graduate program which is even more competitive than an internship? It would appear that my grand plan of getting my career started is now falling apart at the seams. It would appear that not only will I not get a job I finance at this rate, but I will also be unemployed next year. Perhaps I really should look into becoming some kind of escort.. I mean why not put into use the skills I have, which are faking orgasms and being absolutely pliable in the bedroom.. Why not?
There is nothing wrong with aiming high; or wanting something so badly but the reality is that there are limits; if I am just not good enough, as judged by some arbitrary standards then no matter how high I aim, how much I want it-it’s not going to happen. All the desire and enthusiasm in the world doesn’t mean shit if I am just not good enough. And that folks, is the story of my life…
PS: don’t give me that shit about self fulfilling prophecies. It’s bull shit and there’s no way some kind of self affirmation ‘The Secret’ crap will change anything.