With every heartbeat..

.. There’s this song by Robyn, I am sure most who’ve heard it would remember it.. Who can forget the indelible message of that song; about how much moving onwards hurts, about the resignation that one feels when one knows that ‘we could keep trying but things will never change.’
I remember this song because once upon a time; my ex boyfriend’s best friend, the supposed lesbian would play this song when we were all deeply drunk. She would put this song on and she would cry. It was the only time she would ever cry; thinking about her own ex, and their acrimonious split. And it was also the only time she would ever allow herself to admit that: a) she missed her ex girlfriend and b) she was lonely.
I am walking down this strain of memory because I heard Robyn’s With Every Heartbeat again recently. Hearing it was like recalling an old friend; the old memories of times gone by. Hearing that song, I am transported back to my ex boyfriends living room-the dank muskiness of the carpet; the incense he used to burn to cover up that swamp smell-the weak lights he used because he didn’t like bright lights; I remember the smell of alcohol spilt on table surface; the strewn contents of the paraphernalia of weed smoking. I remember the couch my ex and I once had sex on. Above all, I remember the overriding sorrow of witnessing loneliness first hand; with the attached vulnerability. 
Of course beyond those memories, were also the weary thoughts of the latest man du jour. The flavour of the month… As much as I want to say that it didn’t hurt one bit-it did and does hurt. As much as I know that regardless of anything that eventuated-I cannot change the course of the present, I still wonder. It hurts each time I remember him, with every heartbeat, since I also know that nothing I can ever do will never change things. It’s futile, it’s hopeless, it’s a waste of time. I know. But I am weak. 
It does hurt with every heartbeat. And there is nothing I can do or try will ever change anything. It’s defeat and its failure and it’s moving on. 

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